My Arms Are Empty...

2009-06-24T21:52:00.000-07:00
What a busy summer.

Hubby and I went houseboating last weekend with family and it was pretty fun. We drove 3 hours to Lake Melones..got there around 9pm. Tito picked us up with his boat so we could bring our stuff and ourselves to the houseboat. Tj and I rode the jet ski in the dark but we had a flash light & the boat's light to follow. The next 3 days consisted of jet skiing, innertubing,wake boarding (I figured out how to get up!),fishing, eating eating and eating. I brought Nathan's blankie and stuff animal with us. Saturday night was hard for me. I was distracted during the day with all sorts of activities but when it turned to night..I sat there and stared down at Nathan's stuff and I just started to cry. I wished Nathan was there with us enjoying the jacuzzi in his little vest..trying to hang out with the older cousins...and sleeping underneath the stars with mommy & daddy. I miss Nathan so much but I just keep trying to remind myself that he truly is in a better place. I just miss being his mom and caring for him..ugh. =*(**

We're about half way through summer school (physio). We have three more exams to go with one exam on monday. There's also a quiz every Tuesday & Thursday. This class goes by fast..we only have 4 more weeks left.

My summer is going to be pretty busy. Summer school, camping at the Big Sur this upcoming weekend, Yosemite the weekend after that, 4th of July, cousin Eli's birthday, mom in law's birthday, my 21st birthday, auntie's birthday, dani's birthday, Tj's 21st birthday, a whole bunch of other birthdays... cassandra's cotillion, hawaii (Kaui), Magic Mountain and then Vegas. I don't even know what I'm going to do for my birthday..people usually like to have a big celebration for their 21st. I'm not excited for my birthday because I don't have Nathan to celebrate it with. All holidays will suck this year. blah.

They placed Nathan's temporary marker the other day. Seeing his name and the dates just breaks my heart.

I miss you soooo much Nathan. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
please visit me in my dreams..i love you

prayer request

2009-06-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

I was reading posts from my old blog and looking back I'm so glad I blogged during the last month of my pregnancy. I got sad reading the blogs. I created the blog while I was 8 months pregnant and blogged about my pregnancy and the first few months of Nathan's life. I posted stuff like "baby
is almost here! This is how my appointment went...", "Nathan is now 2 weeks old and he's been sleeping 22 hours".."Nathan is now 2 months old and he sleeps this much and eats this much"........all of a sudden "we just found out about Nathan's condition" etc. ughhhhhhhh. nights are the hardest for me...it gets quiet and lonely even though I have TJ by my side.

I read an article about a man who left his 4 month old son in his car last week who ended up dying from a heatstroke. I was saddened by the whole situation. I feel sorry for the father who now has to carry this with him for the rest of his life. Just thinking about what the baby had to go through just brings tears to my eyes because the baby was so helpless in that car. That little baby is now in the arms of Jesus. Safe and probably playing with Nathan right now. All I can do is pray for his parents. Even though Nathan's sickness was beyond my control..I still feel some guilt..and so with their situation..I cannot even imagine what they're going through right now.

Please pray for this family.

salvation

2009-06-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been awhile..

So I finished the spring semester and dove right into summer school and so I've been pretty busy lately. I'm taking a physiology class from 1240 to 430-530 (depends on what what we're doing in lab).

Tj & I finally paid for Nathan's marker. You're probably wondering "wow you just paid for it? it's been 5 months since". I know it's been awhile..the first reason was because it took me awhile to complete a layout. It was just really hard for me to have to take the time to design something for my deceased son. Second I initially wanted to partner with a company in Massachussettes but they did a horrible job at getting back to me and so Tj & I decided to just have the marker made at the Oakhill cemetary. I was debating whether or not I wanted to post the layout here but I figured I'd just rather wait it out till it's finally done and then post it.

A few days ago Tj and I drove to the UCSF Children's hospital to meet with Dr.Heather Fullerton (Nathan's neurologist),Angela Shing ( the Aneurysm & Avm Foundation executive director) and Keiko ( a student who will be working on their website). We had a meeting to discuss ways they can improve their website and ideas to make it user-friendly. Being there was a bittersweet. It was unfortunate for us that Nathan is no longer with us but at least we were able to help through the life of Nathan. Please check out & support this foundation to help spread Aneursym & AVM awareness - http://www.taafonline.org/

I was talking to a girl in my physio class who had lost one of her twins while the baby was still in her womb. We both share a type of grief that only mothers will ever know. We both agreed that when you lose a child you don't "get over it"..you just learn to adjust and continue on with your life. For me personally I believe that in the future it will be easier to enjoy life again but I know for a fact that there will always be that pain and that emptiness from losing Nathan..and I will only feel complete the day I get to be with my son again in Heaven.

There was a devotion that I really liked and felt it would be good to share with others because I know we can all relate:

PSALM 42- Disappointment with God can occur whenever our expectations do not coincide with His plan. Even when hope is based on scriptural promise, the Lord may not fulfill it in the way or time we expect. Although God appears inactive, He is moving beneath the surface, preparing us for the future. God is sovereign & good. His ways are higher than ours & in many ways beyond human understanding.

When Tj & I prayed and prayed for Nathan to be healed we expected him to be healed here on Earth with us. Our prayer actually was answered..but in the way God wanted to answer it and that was complete healing and restoration..in heaven. Nathan no longer has to go through surgeries. No longer has to recieve injections just to check his blood levels. He no longer has ti work hard in occupational and physical therapy. He will never have to experience pain,sorrow,grief,dissapointment and anger. All he knew was love and joy and I'm glad that was all he knew. The times I cry are the times I feel selfish and want him here on earth with me..I thank God for my salvation. That assurance that I will one day see Nathan again. I miss you son.

mother's day

2009-05-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

Mother's day is coming up.My first holiday without Nathan..and to make things even worse I don't have Nathan here to celebrate it with. This hurts so much and I try to avoid thinking about it. Whenever I hear about mother's day plans I just try to shut them out because it's just so depressing for me. I'll just go to church..visit Nathan then go home and study.

balloons

2009-04-29T00:05:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged here..

Today Tj & I decided to buy Nathan balloons at Party City. As I was picking out the balloons I started thinking to myself..what kind of balloons would Nathan have wanted? Would he have grown to be a Barney fan? Well later I asked an employee "how long do these balloons usually last?" and he replied with "2 days to a week but you can just come and pick it up the day of the event or the day you need it". I paused and just said "it's ok..we'll just take it". Little mini conversations such as these suck so bad. It's like..well should I tell him why I'm buying these balloons or should I just leave it at that. Walking around Party City I spotted mardi gra beads..Nathan loveddddd playing with mardi gra beads... It makes me sad when I see all these things & toys I know Nathan enjoyed or would have enjoyed. Anyways I was browsing through my myspace friends today and I noticed that so many babies were born this year..either that or people are expecting. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I have friends who are on their second child and yet I couldn't even keep my first. All I know is that God had already written all of the days of Nathan's life even before I was born. We will never understand God's mysterious ways but all I can say is that God is good, God is merciful, and He loves us.

I finally pretty much finalized Nathan's flat marker design. I know you're thinking..wow.."it's already May". I know that I'm not in some kind of denial but just having to put so much effort and time into something that only reminds you that your son is gone is very hard to deal with. I should be designing invitations,thank you cards or updates...not a flat marker that is going to be placed in a cemetary. I won't post my final draft just yet.. but maybe in a few weeks when we're completely sure of how it will look. All I can say that it's a flat marker, 24x12, black marble, one big picture and 6 little pictures of Nathan will be in ceramic, laser etching in color of animals on the bottom border of the marker, laser etching of Nathan's footprints and a little paragraph taken from the song " If you could see me now". I've been in contact with a company in Memphis,Tennessee...right now I only have an estimate of the price quote but in a few days I'll know exactly how much it'll cost us.

As of school I was super busy last week..I can honestly say last week was my busiest week so far this semester. I had to take 4 exams =*( within a one week time frame. Only one more month of Spring semester left and then Physiology for summer school. To be honest I think that even with a stable career I would still want to keep going to school..it's just how I am. But we'll see..

As for weekend plans I'm pretty excited for this weekend. This Friday & Saturday Tj and I will be at a marriage conference in Santa Clara.

Here's a quick summary taken from the website: " A Weekend To Remember is the result of more than three decades of biblical research by a team of men and women who distilled what it takes to have a successful marriage and family. You will learn about timeless blueprints for marriage, commitment and communication, and about romance and resolving conflict."

I think this conference will be great for our marriage. Being young and married is stressful enough..now add the loss of a child. I thank God for such a wonderful opportunity to strengthen our marriage. To those interested in participating it's not too late! You can still register and it's $129 a couple. This Sunday will be the AVM walk too!

AVM update: We are just 5 days away from the AVM walk!!! We have already raised an amazing $1,700 so far. Thank you everyone for your generous contributions..this really means a lot. I already ordered a banner for Sunday and it should be delivered here tomorrow by 4:30pm. I looked over the team baby Nathan roster the other day and I believe we have 30 people officially registered to walk with us on Sunday. I will be sending out emails tomorrow that will include more information for Sunday.

goodnight everyone..

<3 Nathan's mommy

memories

2009-04-14T23:00:00.001-07:00

It's been 3 months and 3 days since I last held my little Nathan James. Everyone automatically thinks that after giving birth to a healthy baby you have the rest of your life to bring up this wonderful gift. I only got to be a mother for 11 months and 17 days. Almost everyday I see babies and I would think to myself that the mother of that child has no idea how lucky she is to even be able to hold her own baby. I would see infants and toddlers and I would just imagine how Nathan would've been. I no longer come home to my little boy after school..I only come home to framed pictures and a house full of memories. I miss you so much. Only God knows how much I miss you.

A friend of mine lost her daughter just a few months ago and she decided to do 25 random things the bereaved way and so I figured I'd try it too..

25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our precious Nathan James.

1. | I found I was pregnant on May 30th,2007. I wasn't feeling right and just knew that something was off. That something was little Nathan =) Expected due date was 2/2/08

2. | Experienced nausea & vomiting until I was about 4 months pregnant

3.| I still went to school till I was 8 months pregnant (thank goodness for winterbreak!) and Nathan loved to roll around while I would be in class

4.| At 16 weeks, Tj & I went to Kaiser Santa Teresa to find out the sex of our baby. Nathan made it soooo obvious that he was a BOY!

5.| I didn't go to the hospital because my water broke. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along when I went to my prenatal check up. My doctor asked me if I wanted to give birth soon..since spring semester was going to start 2 weeks later..I gave her the ok to strip my membranes..15 hours later I was admitted into the hospital

6. | I was in the hospital for 26 hours until little Nathan James Avila Andaya was born. He was born on January 25th,2008 @ 6:48am. He was 19inches and 6.13 oz & yes even though I'm tiny I gave birth vaginally.

7.| Nathan was known for his appetite. I remember when he was 2 days old the nurse asked how many CCs of milk Nathan had consumed and when we told her the amount she was suprised at the amount he was able to take in =) thaaats my boy.

8.| Nathan at first looked like me. He had big cheeks a little button nose and super chinky eyes. At around 2-3 months he decided to look more like his daddy. I personally think that he is just a great mix of mommy & daddy

9.| Easter 2008 was the first time Nathan & his little blue bunny "Bathan" met. This little bunny was always with Nathan every night and everyday he was at the hospital. Bathan now sleeps with Nathan at the oakhill cemetary.

10.| We found out about his AVM in April 2008. He was just 2 1/2 months. The doctors didn't think that he was going to live very long.

11.| Nathan worked so hard at reaching his milestones. He attended occupational & physical therapy 2x a week and also had a session with his early start teacher every Wednesday.

12.| Everyday at 8am & 8pm Nathan had to take his anti-seizure medicine (phenobarbitol). He HATED it. I would be the one who would administer him the meds and then Daddy would come and "rescue" Nathan from the evil mommy right after. Honestly Nathan wanted nothing to do with me after he got his meds..well until he would get hungry.

13.| We automatically knew Nathan was ready to fall asleep when he would scratch his tummy & suck on his thumb

14.| Nathan ONLY cried because of his medicine, hospital related stuff (injections) & because he was hungry. That's it. So many times a dirty diaper has gone unnoticed because he would be smiling and laughing.

15.| Nathan was such a great host. Even at 8 months whenever Daddy's friends would be over the house at like 11pm Nathan would stay awake even if his eyes were droopy. Right when the last person would leave..Nathan would fall asleep right away.

16.| Nathan was such a brave little trooper. I have so many pictures of him with smiles even though he was in the hospital.

17.| I remember the first day Nathan rolled twice. He was on the carpet enjoying tummy time while Tj & I were about 10 feet away in the kitchen preparing lunch. We turned to check up on Nathan and next thing you know he was all the way on the other side as if he "levitated" haha

18.| We stayed at UCSF from November 11th to December 21st. It was an emotional roller coaster staying there. November 25th was when he had his first craniotomy. He lost a lot of blood and needed blood transfusions. I thank God for Nathan's successful craniotomy because we surely could've lost him that day. We spent thanksgiving there. We're so blessed that the Lord gave us the chance to spend Christmas at home with our baby boy.

19.| On January 11th,2009 our little boy passed away in our arms. It was the worst day of my life.

20.| The house felt so empty going back home for the first time without Nathan

21.| The amount of people that showed up at the viewing and memorial service suprised me..even his neurologists from the UCSF Children's Hospital attended. Nathan was sooo loved.

22.| We didn't move or put away anything at home. His clothes are still in his drawer..his arms reach co-sleeper is still next to our bed..there are still syringes in the kitchen and his play yard is still in the living room..

23.| We have a shadowbox that contains a onesie,his puma shoes, a pacifier, his handprints and ceramic footprints on display

24.| I can still imagine the feeling of running my fingers through his hair and the touch of his little fingers & toes

25.| Everyday my heart aches for my baby, but I thank God for giving me and my family hope that we will see Nathan again in Heaven

"Wish that I had done just a little more.Wish that I could see you one more time.
But I know that God holds your life.Your battle is finally won and God
said well done. My faithful servant well done "

i miss you

Can't Sleep

2009-04-03T02:44:00.000-07:00

Ughhh. It's currently 2:43 Am and I cannot sleep whatsoever. Hubby couldn't go back to sleep so he decided to go to the gym (crazy I know). I decided to change the layout of this blog although I'm not completely satisfied..I'll probably change it later on. The new picture I posted of Nathan will always be one of my favorites. We went to Santa Cruz for Tj's 20th birthday and it was Nathan's first time at the beach. Well around 5pm it started to get a little chilly and so we decided to completely cover up Nathan with his blankie.

[SCHOOL]-School has been stressing me out. Sometimes even though I know my heart is in nursing, I honestly feel like changing my major because I just want to get school done and over with already. Yeah I'm a little behind but I have no regrets because I was able to spend precious time with Nathan. I just feel like I've been in school forever =*(. After this semester I only have to take physiology & microbiology. I was thinking of taking physio for the summer so we'll see how that goes =\ I was also thinking about working on another major (psychology?) while I wait to get into the nursing program. That's another drawback, sometimes you wait a semester even a year to get in the program since it's so impacted. I spent an hour trying to figure out my educational plan. First I wanted to just take transfer classes to get into SJSU and then I got pregnant so I decided to aim for the nursing program at EVC. Unfortunately now I have more time on my hands and so I've been looking at EVC,SJSU & USF. If anything I'd love to apply for USF asap because my gpa is at a 3.7..if I wait till after anatomy I don't know what my gpa will be. I've never studied as much as I do now for Anatomy. I have horrible memory and Anatomy is all about memorization. Chem 30B is started to get a little confusing. Stats is fun..I should've completed it last semester but I had to file for an incomplete since we were pretty much "living" at UCSF for 2 months. Fortunately I was able to finish philosophy 60 & Hist.17B. Whatever. I need to stop whining. I'm lucky that I even have the opportunity to afford and go to college. Thank you Lord.

[AVM WALK UPDATE]-The AVM & ANEURYSM WALK is now exactly one month away. Our initial goal was $1,000 but since we were quick to accomplish that goal I decided to bump up the goal to $2000. We're currently at $1,285. Thank you again to everyone who has donated to Nathan's fundraiser. Thank you to those who also registered and plan on walking with us on May 3rd.

[I MISS YOU]- Sometimes I stop and ask myself "what in the world are you doing back in school". There are days when it's sooo hard to study & focus. At least working doesn't require you take tests and turn in homework etc. Our (TJ&I) spring break is coming up next week but we can't even come up with an activity. Going to Disneyland, Monterey Bay Aquarium, San Francisco or the zoo is out of the question because we've been wanting to take Nathan there. Unfortunately we didn't because we tried to limit his outings. We were afraid that he would get sick and that was the last thing he needed. In Anatomy there are two girls that I study with. They're really nice and they both have little boys. Sometimes I would hear them talk about their sons and it just breaks my heart. They have little boys that they get to go home to and buy toys for. I don't get to go home to Nathan anymore and it hurts so much. One lady who I won't name came up to me last Sunday and suggested that Tj and I try to have a baby again. She acknowledged the fact that Nathan will never be replaced but she suggested that maybe I can find some comfort in having another baby to care for. Having another baby to care for will obviously take away my loneliness but I'm not emotionally ready for that. I know for a fact that I will not be able to give that my baby my all. I'm afraid that I will compare and I don't know.. I know it just wouldn't be fair for him/her.

Hmm hubby just got home. I think I'll just end it here. Goodnight.

imy

2009-03-21T01:06:00.001-07:00

My heart is aching and I just want to hold you so bad. I can't even put into words how much I miss you. I don't know how long it will take for me to ever be truly happy again but for now I feel so incomplete. I would give and do anything to have you back but unfortunately the Lord would rather prefer you be with Him until we meet again. I didn't care about how hard it was to take care of you..just hearing your laugh and enjoying your smiles made EVERYTHING worth it. Whenever Daddy and I would have a bad day just seeing you would make us forget. I was never a morning person but waking up to your coos at 5am 6am 7am or whenever you felt like waking us up was such a blessing. I really wish I didn't have to touch the screen or kiss your framed pictures..I miss your soft cheeks..your little hands..your chubby arms..your little button nose and your cute little feet. I miss you Nathan. Mommy misses you so much.

Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won and God said well done
My faithful servant well done

Our Relationship

2009-03-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Ay ya yi. My Anatomy midterm is today =( I'm just taking a quick break since I have until 4:30 to study.

On a serious note I've been thinking a lot about my walk with God. I had a talk with Tj yesterday and we both agreed that unfortunately school has been our primary focus lately and we haven't been devoting as much time to God as we should. It's true that tough times and trials make us closer to God but I don't only want to be in prayer when I "need" something. How many of you are guilty of that? because I know I am. We pray and pray for the things we hope to happen and finally when things get comfortable it seems as if we don't need God anymore. Imagine being a parent and your child only going to you when they need money..no "Hi Mom/Hi Dad"," I love you" and "how are you doing?". Wouldn't you feel under appreciated? Well that's how we treat God even though we don't realize it. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife don't we all put in a whole lot of effort to keep the relationship strong? Our relationship with God should be number one, then your spouse and then your children. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of all these things because I am. Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily lives and responsibilities that we brush Him off and pencil him in our book for another day. On my part I will try my very best to be committed to devotions first thing in the morning of everyday. Would you like to join me? Let me know so we can pray for each other.

Happy moments,praise God.

Difficult moments,seek God.

Quite moments,worship God.

Painful moments,trust God.

Every moment,Thank God.

grief?

2009-03-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

stress stress stress

Is it weird that I'm no longer as organized as I used to be even with the responsibility of taking care of Nathan and school? My whole world right now is just a mess. I'm trying so hard in school and yet my mind just isn't there. I have zero productivity in my daily life and I just feel like I've been just living my life..just day to day. I'm still having trouble falling asleep and I've also been having trouble even waking up. I'd try to set my alarm clock to 5 different times and it's still hard waking up. I'm always fatigued and I've been having some back pain and head aches for 2 weeks now. We're planning on having a dinner with Tita Rachel sometime this week and so I'm sure it'll help Tj and I some just by hearing about their experience and how they dealt with their grief. I always thought maybe "grief" would mean crying all the time staying in my room all day..but I don't know. I don't know what "stage" of "grief" I'm currently in, all I know is that it's eating me up inside. I can laugh and I can smile..but deep inside I'm just not the same. Lord help me.

Sleeping probems

2009-03-03T11:55:00.001-08:00

Wow..Nathan's fundraiser only started yesterday afternoon and we are now at $400. That is amazing!!! Thank you to everyone who has donated so far! May the Lord bless your hearts for your kindness.

______________________________________________________________

Anyway..things haven't been so easy for me lately. Just having to focus on things these days have been a little difficult. I've also been having trouble sleeping =( I would probably sleep around 3-4 in the morning..horrible I know. It's just that "trying to fall asleep" is hard for me because I would just lay there and think. Lately I've just been staying up so late till I would get to the point where my body would just want to give up and sleep. I've been thinking about consulting a doctor with my sleeping problems but I don't know..we'll see.

P.s Thank you to "anonymous" for taking the time to write such a sweet message. Your words of encouragement made my day a little easier. Thank you.

In Loving Memory of Nathan James-AVM Fundraiser

2009-03-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Family & Friends,

We are walking to raise awareness about brain aneurysm and arteriovenous malformation (AVM) on May 3rd,2009.

It is estimated that 3-5 million people in the United States alone have a brain aneurysm, and
200-500 have a brain AVM.

I am writing to ask for your help in meeting my personal fundraising goal of $1,000.
Your contribution will go to supporting the work of The Aneurysm and AVM Foundation (TAAF).
TAAF is an all-volunteer 501c3 non-profit organization dedicated to bettering the lives, support
networks, and medical care of those affected by brain aneurysm and AVM.

An aneurysm is a weak area in a blood vessel that enlarges like a balloon. As it grows, the
blood vessel becomes weaker and is at risk for leaking or rupturing, which can cause death,
brain damage or lifelong disability.
An AVM is a tangle of blood vessels in the brain that bypasses normal brain tissue capillaries
and directly diverts blood from the arteries to the veins resulting in devastating hemorrhages,
headaches, and seizures.

Very often brain aneurysms and AVMs are “silent” and go undetected until it is too late.
Today I am asking you for your support in raising public awareness, and supporting research
grants to better the detection, treatment, and eventually a cure for brain aneurysms and AVMs.

You will receive email confirmation of your donation and I will be notified as soon as you make your donation. I thank you in advance for your support, and really appreciate your generosity!!

http://www.active.com/donate/TAAFwalk/nathanandaya

Please forward this email to as many people as you can to encourage them to donate as well!

Sincerely,
Tj&Jaimee Andaya

nathan's website- www.nathanj125.com
nathan's fundraising page-http://www.active.com/donate/TAAFwalk/nathanandaya

==========================

=============================================

Are you interested in joining the TAAF's 4th Annual Aneurysm and AVM Awareness Walk?
Register here: http://www.active.com/framed/event_detail.cfm?CHECKSSO=0&EVENT_ID=1696324

first post

2009-02-27T15:10:00.000-08:00

For the past week I've been debating whether or not I should start a new blog again. I'm sure you all know but I lost my only son about a month and a half ago to a rare malformation (AVM) in the brain. It seems to be getting harder for me. I didn't sleep until 6:30am last night and woke up at 11. My whole life revolved around my son and now that he's gone..I feel so empty. I've been trying to keep myself busy with school but lately it's been so hard to concentrate. I have two girls who sit in the same table for lab and they always talk about their sons..yet they have no idea that I've just recently lost mine. I miss Nathan so much..if only I could hold him even for just 30 seconds it would mean so much to me.