Can't Sleep
Ughhh. It's currently 2:43 Am and I cannot sleep whatsoever. Hubby couldn't go back to sleep so he decided to go to the gym (crazy I know). I decided to change the layout of this blog although I'm not completely satisfied..I'll probably change it later on. The new picture I posted of Nathan will always be one of my favorites. We went to Santa Cruz for Tj's 20th birthday and it was Nathan's first time at the beach. Well around 5pm it started to get a little chilly and so we decided to completely cover up Nathan with his blankie.
[SCHOOL]-School has been stressing me out. Sometimes even though I know my heart is in nursing, I honestly feel like changing my major because I just want to get school done and over with already. Yeah I'm a little behind but I have no regrets because I was able to spend precious time with Nathan. I just feel like I've been in school forever =*(. After this semester I only have to take physiology & microbiology. I was thinking of taking physio for the summer so we'll see how that goes =\ I was also thinking about working on another major (psychology?) while I wait to get into the nursing program. That's another drawback, sometimes you wait a semester even a year to get in the program since it's so impacted. I spent an hour trying to figure out my educational plan. First I wanted to just take transfer classes to get into SJSU and then I got pregnant so I decided to aim for the nursing program at EVC. Unfortunately now I have more time on my hands and so I've been looking at EVC,SJSU & USF. If anything I'd love to apply for USF asap because my gpa is at a 3.7..if I wait till after anatomy I don't know what my gpa will be. I've never studied as much as I do now for Anatomy. I have horrible memory and Anatomy is all about memorization. Chem 30B is started to get a little confusing. Stats is fun..I should've completed it last semester but I had to file for an incomplete since we were pretty much "living" at UCSF for 2 months. Fortunately I was able to finish philosophy 60 & Hist.17B. Whatever. I need to stop whining. I'm lucky that I even have the opportunity to afford and go to college. Thank you Lord.
[AVM WALK UPDATE]-The AVM & ANEURYSM WALK is now exactly one month away. Our initial goal was $1,000 but since we were quick to accomplish that goal I decided to bump up the goal to $2000. We're currently at $1,285. Thank you again to everyone who has donated to Nathan's fundraiser. Thank you to those who also registered and plan on walking with us on May 3rd.
[I MISS YOU]- Sometimes I stop and ask myself "what in the world are you doing back in school". There are days when it's sooo hard to study & focus. At least working doesn't require you take tests and turn in homework etc. Our (TJ&I) spring break is coming up next week but we can't even come up with an activity. Going to Disneyland, Monterey Bay Aquarium, San Francisco or the zoo is out of the question because we've been wanting to take Nathan there. Unfortunately we didn't because we tried to limit his outings. We were afraid that he would get sick and that was the last thing he needed. In Anatomy there are two girls that I study with. They're really nice and they both have little boys. Sometimes I would hear them talk about their sons and it just breaks my heart. They have little boys that they get to go home to and buy toys for. I don't get to go home to Nathan anymore and it hurts so much. One lady who I won't name came up to me last Sunday and suggested that Tj and I try to have a baby again. She acknowledged the fact that Nathan will never be replaced but she suggested that maybe I can find some comfort in having another baby to care for. Having another baby to care for will obviously take away my loneliness but I'm not emotionally ready for that. I know for a fact that I will not be able to give that my baby my all. I'm afraid that I will compare and I don't know.. I know it just wouldn't be fair for him/her.
Hmm hubby just got home. I think I'll just end it here. Goodnight.
[SCHOOL]-School has been stressing me out. Sometimes even though I know my heart is in nursing, I honestly feel like changing my major because I just want to get school done and over with already. Yeah I'm a little behind but I have no regrets because I was able to spend precious time with Nathan. I just feel like I've been in school forever =*(. After this semester I only have to take physiology & microbiology. I was thinking of taking physio for the summer so we'll see how that goes =\ I was also thinking about working on another major (psychology?) while I wait to get into the nursing program. That's another drawback, sometimes you wait a semester even a year to get in the program since it's so impacted. I spent an hour trying to figure out my educational plan. First I wanted to just take transfer classes to get into SJSU and then I got pregnant so I decided to aim for the nursing program at EVC. Unfortunately now I have more time on my hands and so I've been looking at EVC,SJSU & USF. If anything I'd love to apply for USF asap because my gpa is at a 3.7..if I wait till after anatomy I don't know what my gpa will be. I've never studied as much as I do now for Anatomy. I have horrible memory and Anatomy is all about memorization. Chem 30B is started to get a little confusing. Stats is fun..I should've completed it last semester but I had to file for an incomplete since we were pretty much "living" at UCSF for 2 months. Fortunately I was able to finish philosophy 60 & Hist.17B. Whatever. I need to stop whining. I'm lucky that I even have the opportunity to afford and go to college. Thank you Lord.
[AVM WALK UPDATE]-The AVM & ANEURYSM WALK is now exactly one month away. Our initial goal was $1,000 but since we were quick to accomplish that goal I decided to bump up the goal to $2000. We're currently at $1,285. Thank you again to everyone who has donated to Nathan's fundraiser. Thank you to those who also registered and plan on walking with us on May 3rd.
[I MISS YOU]- Sometimes I stop and ask myself "what in the world are you doing back in school". There are days when it's sooo hard to study & focus. At least working doesn't require you take tests and turn in homework etc. Our (TJ&I) spring break is coming up next week but we can't even come up with an activity. Going to Disneyland, Monterey Bay Aquarium, San Francisco or the zoo is out of the question because we've been wanting to take Nathan there. Unfortunately we didn't because we tried to limit his outings. We were afraid that he would get sick and that was the last thing he needed. In Anatomy there are two girls that I study with. They're really nice and they both have little boys. Sometimes I would hear them talk about their sons and it just breaks my heart. They have little boys that they get to go home to and buy toys for. I don't get to go home to Nathan anymore and it hurts so much. One lady who I won't name came up to me last Sunday and suggested that Tj and I try to have a baby again. She acknowledged the fact that Nathan will never be replaced but she suggested that maybe I can find some comfort in having another baby to care for. Having another baby to care for will obviously take away my loneliness but I'm not emotionally ready for that. I know for a fact that I will not be able to give that my baby my all. I'm afraid that I will compare and I don't know.. I know it just wouldn't be fair for him/her.
Hmm hubby just got home. I think I'll just end it here. Goodnight.
posted by jaimee at
2:44 AM
4 Comments:
One day, I hope that you and I both will be able to find ourselves again... be the person that we use to be when we were preparing and working for the lives of our children.
Parents shouldn't outlive their children. I feel for you, whole-heartedly. Don't ever let someone get to you and try to pressure you into having another baby. You decide when you're ready. Until someone loses a child, they will never know how it feels. And that's the honest truth.
Just know that I'm thinking of you, Nathan, and TJ. I can't promise that things will ever be the same, but it'll get better. I hope.
<3, Wendee
Just take your time with this, I think a new baby would be great to have around. You will learn to adjust when you do have another baby. Plus you can tell him/her about how his/her brother was a great fighter. Get things together first before you do plan of having another child.
I can see how you've grown. How you're mature enough to acknowledge that you aren't ready for another baby. And if you feel that you aren't, then don't. My suggestion is just take care of yourself and TJ and your well being for the future. Finish school and nursing and just continually trust in God through whatever emotions you feel. Remember, that in our weakness, He is STRONG. Nursing is in your heart for a reason, God planted it there, no doubt, and if He started it, He won't stop till He is finish (Philippians 1:6) so just keep going!
You have a big circle of support when you feel down. I know you know this, Nathan is in a way better place that we can ever imagine. And while we all would have liked a lot more time with Nathan, we are also all comforted to know that he is no longer limited by his pain, sickness, and body. He is free to run, jump, play, and whatever he wants to do with Jesus.
Press on Jamie! I know you can do it, and I'll be here praying for you and if you need anything, let me know!
NATHAN IS THE BEST ANGEL TO EVER HAVE AROUND.
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