memories

It's been 3 months and 3 days since I last held my little Nathan James. Everyone automatically thinks that after giving birth to a healthy baby you have the rest of your life to bring up this wonderful gift. I only got to be a mother for 11 months and 17 days. Almost everyday I see babies and I would think to myself that the mother of that child has no idea how lucky she is to even be able to hold her own baby. I would see infants and toddlers and I would just imagine how Nathan would've been. I no longer come home to my little boy after school..I only come home to framed pictures and a house full of memories. I miss you so much. Only God knows how much I miss you.


A friend of mine lost her daughter just a few months ago and she decided to do 25 random things the bereaved way and so I figured I'd try it too..


25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our precious Nathan James.


1. | I found I was pregnant on May 30th,2007. I wasn't feeling right and just knew that something was off. That something was little Nathan =) Expected due date was 2/2/08



2. | Experienced nausea & vomiting until I was about 4 months pregnant


3.| I still went to school till I was 8 months pregnant (thank goodness for winterbreak!) and Nathan loved to roll around while I would be in class


4.| At 16 weeks, Tj & I went to Kaiser Santa Teresa to find out the sex of our baby. Nathan made it soooo obvious that he was a BOY!



5.| I didn't go to the hospital because my water broke. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along when I went to my prenatal check up. My doctor asked me if I wanted to give birth soon..since spring semester was going to start 2 weeks later..I gave her the ok to strip my membranes..15 hours later I was admitted into the hospital


6. | I was in the hospital for 26 hours until little Nathan James Avila Andaya was born. He was born on January 25th,2008 @ 6:48am. He was 19inches and 6.13 oz & yes even though I'm tiny I gave birth vaginally.


7.| Nathan was known for his appetite. I remember when he was 2 days old the nurse asked how many CCs of milk Nathan had consumed and when we told her the amount she was suprised at the amount he was able to take in =) thaaats my boy.


8.| Nathan at first looked like me. He had big cheeks a little button nose and super chinky eyes. At around 2-3 months he decided to look more like his daddy. I personally think that he is just a great mix of mommy & daddy


9.| Easter 2008 was the first time Nathan & his little blue bunny "Bathan" met. This little bunny was always with Nathan every night and everyday he was at the hospital. Bathan now sleeps with Nathan at the oakhill cemetary.


10.| We found out about his AVM in April 2008. He was just 2 1/2 months. The doctors didn't think that he was going to live very long.


11.| Nathan worked so hard at reaching his milestones. He attended occupational & physical therapy 2x a week and also had a session with his early start teacher every Wednesday.



12.| Everyday at 8am & 8pm Nathan had to take his anti-seizure medicine (phenobarbitol). He HATED it. I would be the one who would administer him the meds and then Daddy would come and "rescue" Nathan from the evil mommy right after. Honestly Nathan wanted nothing to do with me after he got his meds..well until he would get hungry.



13.| We automatically knew Nathan was ready to fall asleep when he would scratch his tummy & suck on his thumb



14.| Nathan ONLY cried because of his medicine, hospital related stuff (injections) & because he was hungry. That's it. So many times a dirty diaper has gone unnoticed because he would be smiling and laughing.

15.| Nathan was such a great host. Even at 8 months whenever Daddy's friends would be over the house at like 11pm Nathan would stay awake even if his eyes were droopy. Right when the last person would leave..Nathan would fall asleep right away.


16.| Nathan was such a brave little trooper. I have so many pictures of him with smiles even though he was in the hospital.



17.| I remember the first day Nathan rolled twice. He was on the carpet enjoying tummy time while Tj & I were about 10 feet away in the kitchen preparing lunch. We turned to check up on Nathan and next thing you know he was all the way on the other side as if he "levitated" haha



18.| We stayed at UCSF from November 11th to December 21st. It was an emotional roller coaster staying there. November 25th was when he had his first craniotomy. He lost a lot of blood and needed blood transfusions. I thank God for Nathan's successful craniotomy because we surely could've lost him that day. We spent thanksgiving there. We're so blessed that the Lord gave us the chance to spend Christmas at home with our baby boy.





19.| On January 11th,2009 our little boy passed away in our arms. It was the worst day of my life.

20.| The house felt so empty going back home for the first time without Nathan

21.| The amount of people that showed up at the viewing and memorial service suprised me..even his neurologists from the UCSF Children's Hospital attended. Nathan was sooo loved.

22.| We didn't move or put away anything at home. His clothes are still in his drawer..his arms reach co-sleeper is still next to our bed..there are still syringes in the kitchen and his play yard is still in the living room..

23.| We have a shadowbox that contains a onesie,his puma shoes, a pacifier, his handprints and ceramic footprints on display

24.| I can still imagine the feeling of running my fingers through his hair and the touch of his little fingers & toes


25.| Everyday my heart aches for my baby, but I thank God for giving me and my family hope that we will see Nathan again in Heaven

"Wish that I had done just a little more.Wish that I could see you one more time.
But I know that God holds your life.Your battle is finally won and God
said well done. My faithful servant well done "

i miss you