balloons

It's been awhile since I last blogged here..


Today Tj & I decided to buy Nathan balloons at Party City. As I was picking out the balloons I started thinking to myself..what kind of balloons would Nathan have wanted? Would he have grown to be a Barney fan? Well later I asked an employee "how long do these balloons usually last?" and he replied with "2 days to a week but you can just come and pick it up the day of the event or the day you need it". I paused and just said "it's ok..we'll just take it". Little mini conversations such as these suck so bad. It's like..well should I tell him why I'm buying these balloons or should I just leave it at that. Walking around Party City I spotted mardi gra beads..Nathan loveddddd playing with mardi gra beads... It makes me sad when I see all these things & toys I know Nathan enjoyed or would have enjoyed. Anyways I was browsing through my myspace friends today and I noticed that so many babies were born this year..either that or people are expecting. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I have friends who are on their second child and yet I couldn't even keep my first. All I know is that God had already written all of the days of Nathan's life even before I was born. We will never understand God's mysterious ways but all I can say is that God is good, God is merciful, and He loves us.

I finally pretty much finalized Nathan's flat marker design. I know you're thinking..wow.."it's already May". I know that I'm not in some kind of denial but just having to put so much effort and time into something that only reminds you that your son is gone is very hard to deal with. I should be designing invitations,thank you cards or updates...not a flat marker that is going to be placed in a cemetary. I won't post my final draft just yet.. but maybe in a few weeks when we're completely sure of how it will look. All I can say that it's a flat marker, 24x12, black marble, one big picture and 6 little pictures of Nathan will be in ceramic, laser etching in color of animals on the bottom border of the marker, laser etching of Nathan's footprints and a little paragraph taken from the song " If you could see me now". I've been in contact with a company in Memphis,Tennessee...right now I only have an estimate of the price quote but in a few days I'll know exactly how much it'll cost us.

As of school I was super busy last week..I can honestly say last week was my busiest week so far this semester. I had to take 4 exams =*( within a one week time frame. Only one more month of Spring semester left and then Physiology for summer school. To be honest I think that even with a stable career I would still want to keep going to school..it's just how I am. But we'll see..


As for weekend plans I'm pretty excited for this weekend. This Friday & Saturday Tj and I will be at a marriage conference in Santa Clara.

Here's a quick summary taken from the website: " A Weekend To Remember is the result of more than three decades of biblical research by a team of men and women who distilled what it takes to have a successful marriage and family. You will learn about timeless blueprints for marriage, commitment and communication, and about romance and resolving conflict."

I think this conference will be great for our marriage. Being young and married is stressful enough..now add the loss of a child. I thank God for such a wonderful opportunity to strengthen our marriage. To those interested in participating it's not too late! You can still register and it's $129 a couple. This Sunday will be the AVM walk too!

AVM update: We are just 5 days away from the AVM walk!!! We have already raised an amazing $1,700 so far. Thank you everyone for your generous contributions..this really means a lot. I already ordered a banner for Sunday and it should be delivered here tomorrow by 4:30pm. I looked over the team baby Nathan roster the other day and I believe we have 30 people officially registered to walk with us on Sunday. I will be sending out emails tomorrow that will include more information for Sunday.





goodnight everyone..









<3 Nathan's mommy

memories

It's been 3 months and 3 days since I last held my little Nathan James. Everyone automatically thinks that after giving birth to a healthy baby you have the rest of your life to bring up this wonderful gift. I only got to be a mother for 11 months and 17 days. Almost everyday I see babies and I would think to myself that the mother of that child has no idea how lucky she is to even be able to hold her own baby. I would see infants and toddlers and I would just imagine how Nathan would've been. I no longer come home to my little boy after school..I only come home to framed pictures and a house full of memories. I miss you so much. Only God knows how much I miss you.


A friend of mine lost her daughter just a few months ago and she decided to do 25 random things the bereaved way and so I figured I'd try it too..


25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our precious Nathan James.


1. | I found I was pregnant on May 30th,2007. I wasn't feeling right and just knew that something was off. That something was little Nathan =) Expected due date was 2/2/08



2. | Experienced nausea & vomiting until I was about 4 months pregnant


3.| I still went to school till I was 8 months pregnant (thank goodness for winterbreak!) and Nathan loved to roll around while I would be in class


4.| At 16 weeks, Tj & I went to Kaiser Santa Teresa to find out the sex of our baby. Nathan made it soooo obvious that he was a BOY!



5.| I didn't go to the hospital because my water broke. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along when I went to my prenatal check up. My doctor asked me if I wanted to give birth soon..since spring semester was going to start 2 weeks later..I gave her the ok to strip my membranes..15 hours later I was admitted into the hospital


6. | I was in the hospital for 26 hours until little Nathan James Avila Andaya was born. He was born on January 25th,2008 @ 6:48am. He was 19inches and 6.13 oz & yes even though I'm tiny I gave birth vaginally.


7.| Nathan was known for his appetite. I remember when he was 2 days old the nurse asked how many CCs of milk Nathan had consumed and when we told her the amount she was suprised at the amount he was able to take in =) thaaats my boy.


8.| Nathan at first looked like me. He had big cheeks a little button nose and super chinky eyes. At around 2-3 months he decided to look more like his daddy. I personally think that he is just a great mix of mommy & daddy


9.| Easter 2008 was the first time Nathan & his little blue bunny "Bathan" met. This little bunny was always with Nathan every night and everyday he was at the hospital. Bathan now sleeps with Nathan at the oakhill cemetary.


10.| We found out about his AVM in April 2008. He was just 2 1/2 months. The doctors didn't think that he was going to live very long.


11.| Nathan worked so hard at reaching his milestones. He attended occupational & physical therapy 2x a week and also had a session with his early start teacher every Wednesday.



12.| Everyday at 8am & 8pm Nathan had to take his anti-seizure medicine (phenobarbitol). He HATED it. I would be the one who would administer him the meds and then Daddy would come and "rescue" Nathan from the evil mommy right after. Honestly Nathan wanted nothing to do with me after he got his meds..well until he would get hungry.



13.| We automatically knew Nathan was ready to fall asleep when he would scratch his tummy & suck on his thumb



14.| Nathan ONLY cried because of his medicine, hospital related stuff (injections) & because he was hungry. That's it. So many times a dirty diaper has gone unnoticed because he would be smiling and laughing.

15.| Nathan was such a great host. Even at 8 months whenever Daddy's friends would be over the house at like 11pm Nathan would stay awake even if his eyes were droopy. Right when the last person would leave..Nathan would fall asleep right away.


16.| Nathan was such a brave little trooper. I have so many pictures of him with smiles even though he was in the hospital.



17.| I remember the first day Nathan rolled twice. He was on the carpet enjoying tummy time while Tj & I were about 10 feet away in the kitchen preparing lunch. We turned to check up on Nathan and next thing you know he was all the way on the other side as if he "levitated" haha



18.| We stayed at UCSF from November 11th to December 21st. It was an emotional roller coaster staying there. November 25th was when he had his first craniotomy. He lost a lot of blood and needed blood transfusions. I thank God for Nathan's successful craniotomy because we surely could've lost him that day. We spent thanksgiving there. We're so blessed that the Lord gave us the chance to spend Christmas at home with our baby boy.





19.| On January 11th,2009 our little boy passed away in our arms. It was the worst day of my life.

20.| The house felt so empty going back home for the first time without Nathan

21.| The amount of people that showed up at the viewing and memorial service suprised me..even his neurologists from the UCSF Children's Hospital attended. Nathan was sooo loved.

22.| We didn't move or put away anything at home. His clothes are still in his drawer..his arms reach co-sleeper is still next to our bed..there are still syringes in the kitchen and his play yard is still in the living room..

23.| We have a shadowbox that contains a onesie,his puma shoes, a pacifier, his handprints and ceramic footprints on display

24.| I can still imagine the feeling of running my fingers through his hair and the touch of his little fingers & toes


25.| Everyday my heart aches for my baby, but I thank God for giving me and my family hope that we will see Nathan again in Heaven

"Wish that I had done just a little more.Wish that I could see you one more time.
But I know that God holds your life.Your battle is finally won and God
said well done. My faithful servant well done "

i miss you

Can't Sleep

Ughhh. It's currently 2:43 Am and I cannot sleep whatsoever. Hubby couldn't go back to sleep so he decided to go to the gym (crazy I know). I decided to change the layout of this blog although I'm not completely satisfied..I'll probably change it later on. The new picture I posted of Nathan will always be one of my favorites. We went to Santa Cruz for Tj's 20th birthday and it was Nathan's first time at the beach. Well around 5pm it started to get a little chilly and so we decided to completely cover up Nathan with his blankie.

[SCHOOL]-School has been stressing me out. Sometimes even though I know my heart is in nursing, I honestly feel like changing my major because I just want to get school done and over with already. Yeah I'm a little behind but I have no regrets because I was able to spend precious time with Nathan. I just feel like I've been in school forever =*(. After this semester I only have to take physiology & microbiology. I was thinking of taking physio for the summer so we'll see how that goes =\ I was also thinking about working on another major (psychology?) while I wait to get into the nursing program. That's another drawback, sometimes you wait a semester even a year to get in the program since it's so impacted. I spent an hour trying to figure out my educational plan. First I wanted to just take transfer classes to get into SJSU and then I got pregnant so I decided to aim for the nursing program at EVC. Unfortunately now I have more time on my hands and so I've been looking at EVC,SJSU & USF. If anything I'd love to apply for USF asap because my gpa is at a 3.7..if I wait till after anatomy I don't know what my gpa will be. I've never studied as much as I do now for Anatomy. I have horrible memory and Anatomy is all about memorization. Chem 30B is started to get a little confusing. Stats is fun..I should've completed it last semester but I had to file for an incomplete since we were pretty much "living" at UCSF for 2 months. Fortunately I was able to finish philosophy 60 & Hist.17B. Whatever. I need to stop whining. I'm lucky that I even have the opportunity to afford and go to college. Thank you Lord.

[AVM WALK UPDATE]-The AVM & ANEURYSM WALK is now exactly one month away. Our initial goal was $1,000 but since we were quick to accomplish that goal I decided to bump up the goal to $2000. We're currently at $1,285. Thank you again to everyone who has donated to Nathan's fundraiser. Thank you to those who also registered and plan on walking with us on May 3rd.

[I MISS YOU]- Sometimes I stop and ask myself "what in the world are you doing back in school". There are days when it's sooo hard to study & focus. At least working doesn't require you take tests and turn in homework etc. Our (TJ&I) spring break is coming up next week but we can't even come up with an activity. Going to Disneyland, Monterey Bay Aquarium, San Francisco or the zoo is out of the question because we've been wanting to take Nathan there. Unfortunately we didn't because we tried to limit his outings. We were afraid that he would get sick and that was the last thing he needed. In Anatomy there are two girls that I study with. They're really nice and they both have little boys. Sometimes I would hear them talk about their sons and it just breaks my heart. They have little boys that they get to go home to and buy toys for. I don't get to go home to Nathan anymore and it hurts so much. One lady who I won't name came up to me last Sunday and suggested that Tj and I try to have a baby again. She acknowledged the fact that Nathan will never be replaced but she suggested that maybe I can find some comfort in having another baby to care for. Having another baby to care for will obviously take away my loneliness but I'm not emotionally ready for that. I know for a fact that I will not be able to give that my baby my all. I'm afraid that I will compare and I don't know.. I know it just wouldn't be fair for him/her.

Hmm hubby just got home. I think I'll just end it here. Goodnight.