What a busy summer.Hubby and I went houseboating last weekend with family and it was pretty fun. We drove 3 hours to Lake Melones..got there around 9pm. Tito picked us up with his boat so we could bring our stuff and ourselves to the houseboat. Tj and I rode the jet ski in the dark but we had a flash light & the boat's light to follow. The next 3 days consisted of jet skiing, innertubing,wake boarding (I figured out how to get up!),fishing, eating eating and eating. I brought Nathan's blankie and stuff animal with us. Saturday night was hard for me. I was distracted during the day with all sorts of activities but when it turned to night..I sat there and stared down at Nathan's stuff and I just started to cry. I wished Nathan was there with us enjoying the jacuzzi in his little vest..trying to hang out with the older cousins...and sleeping underneath the stars with mommy & daddy. I miss Nathan so much but I just keep trying to remind myself that he truly is in a better place. I just miss being his mom and caring for him..ugh. =*(**We're about half way through summer school (physio). We have three more exams to go with one exam on monday. There's also a quiz every Tuesday & Thursday. This class goes by fast..we only have 4 more weeks left.My summer is going to be pretty busy. Summer school, camping at the Big Sur this upcoming weekend, Yosemite the weekend after that, 4th of July, cousin Eli's birthday, mom in law's birthday, my 21st birthday, auntie's birthday, dani's birthday, Tj's 21st birthday, a whole bunch of other birthdays... cassandra's cotillion, hawaii (Kaui), Magic Mountain and then Vegas. I don't even know what I'm going to do for my birthday..people usually like to have a big celebration for their 21st. I'm not excited for my birthday because I don't have Nathan to celebrate it with. All holidays will suck this year. blah.They placed Nathan's temporary marker the other day. Seeing his name and the dates just breaks my heart.I miss you soooo much Nathan. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss youplease visit me in my dreams..i love you

What a busy summer.

Hubby and I went houseboating last weekend with family and it was pretty fun. We drove 3 hours to Lake Melones..got there around 9pm. Tito picked us up with his boat so we could bring our stuff and ourselves to the houseboat. Tj and I rode the jet ski in the dark but we had a flash light & the boat's light to follow. The next 3 days consisted of jet skiing, innertubing,wake boarding (I figured out how to get up!),fishing, eating eating and eating. I brought Nathan's blankie and stuff animal with us. Saturday night was hard for me. I was distracted during the day with all sorts of activities but when it turned to night..I sat there and stared down at Nathan's stuff and I just started to cry. I wished Nathan was there with us enjoying the jacuzzi in his little vest..trying to hang out with the older cousins...and sleeping underneath the stars with mommy & daddy. I miss Nathan so much but I just keep trying to remind myself that he truly is in a better place. I just miss being his mom and caring for him..ugh. =*(**

We're about half way through summer school (physio). We have three more exams to go with one exam on monday. There's also a quiz every Tuesday & Thursday. This class goes by fast..we only have 4 more weeks left.

My summer is going to be pretty busy. Summer school, camping at the Big Sur this upcoming weekend, Yosemite the weekend after that, 4th of July, cousin Eli's birthday, mom in law's birthday, my 21st birthday, auntie's birthday, dani's birthday, Tj's 21st birthday, a whole bunch of other birthdays... cassandra's cotillion, hawaii (Kaui), Magic Mountain and then Vegas. I don't even know what I'm going to do for my birthday..people usually like to have a big celebration for their 21st. I'm not excited for my birthday because I don't have Nathan to celebrate it with. All holidays will suck this year. blah.


They placed Nathan's temporary marker the other day. Seeing his name and the dates just breaks my heart.

















I miss you soooo much Nathan. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
please visit me in my dreams..i love you

prayer request

I was reading posts from my old blog and looking back I'm so glad I blogged during the last month of my pregnancy. I got sad reading the blogs. I created the blog while I was 8 months pregnant and blogged about my pregnancy and the first few months of Nathan's life. I posted stuff like "baby
is almost here! This is how my appointment went...", "Nathan is now 2 weeks old and he's been sleeping 22 hours".."Nathan is now 2 months old and he sleeps this much and eats this much"........all of a sudden "we just found out about Nathan's condition" etc. ughhhhhhhh. nights are the hardest for me...it gets quiet and lonely even though I have TJ by my side.

I read an article about a man who left his 4 month old son in his car last week who ended up dying from a heatstroke. I was saddened by the whole situation. I feel sorry for the father who now has to carry this with him for the rest of his life. Just thinking about what the baby had to go through just brings tears to my eyes because the baby was so helpless in that car. That little baby is now in the arms of Jesus. Safe and probably playing with Nathan right now. All I can do is pray for his parents. Even though Nathan's sickness was beyond my control..I still feel some guilt..and so with their situation..I cannot even imagine what they're going through right now.


Please pray for this family.

salvation

Wow it's been awhile..


So I finished the spring semester and dove right into summer school and so I've been pretty busy lately. I'm taking a physiology class from 1240 to 430-530 (depends on what what we're doing in lab).

Tj & I finally paid for Nathan's marker. You're probably wondering "wow you just paid for it? it's been 5 months since". I know it's been awhile..the first reason was because it took me awhile to complete a layout. It was just really hard for me to have to take the time to design something for my deceased son. Second I initially wanted to partner with a company in Massachussettes but they did a horrible job at getting back to me and so Tj & I decided to just have the marker made at the Oakhill cemetary. I was debating whether or not I wanted to post the layout here but I figured I'd just rather wait it out till it's finally done and then post it.

A few days ago Tj and I drove to the UCSF Children's hospital to meet with Dr.Heather Fullerton (Nathan's neurologist),Angela Shing ( the Aneurysm & Avm Foundation executive director) and Keiko ( a student who will be working on their website). We had a meeting to discuss ways they can improve their website and ideas to make it user-friendly. Being there was a bittersweet. It was unfortunate for us that Nathan is no longer with us but at least we were able to help through the life of Nathan. Please check out & support this foundation to help spread Aneursym & AVM awareness - http://www.taafonline.org/





I was talking to a girl in my physio class who had lost one of her twins while the baby was still in her womb. We both share a type of grief that only mothers will ever know. We both agreed that when you lose a child you don't "get over it"..you just learn to adjust and continue on with your life. For me personally I believe that in the future it will be easier to enjoy life again but I know for a fact that there will always be that pain and that emptiness from losing Nathan..and I will only feel complete the day I get to be with my son again in Heaven.

There was a devotion that I really liked and felt it would be good to share with others because I know we can all relate:

PSALM 42- Disappointment with God can occur whenever our expectations do not coincide with His plan. Even when hope is based on scriptural promise, the Lord may not fulfill it in the way or time we expect. Although God appears inactive, He is moving beneath the surface, preparing us for the future. God is sovereign & good. His ways are higher than ours & in many ways beyond human understanding.

When Tj & I prayed and prayed for Nathan to be healed we expected him to be healed here on Earth with us. Our prayer actually was answered..but in the way God wanted to answer it and that was complete healing and restoration..in heaven. Nathan no longer has to go through surgeries. No longer has to recieve injections just to check his blood levels. He no longer has ti work hard in occupational and physical therapy. He will never have to experience pain,sorrow,grief,dissapointment and anger. All he knew was love and joy and I'm glad that was all he knew. The times I cry are the times I feel selfish and want him here on earth with me..I thank God for my salvation. That assurance that I will one day see Nathan again. I miss you son.